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I’ve often been ‘advised’ by the over-caffeinated, bewilderingly ambitious moms in my neighborhood that my son Ethan and I should spend more ‘quality’ time together after school. Apparently the after-school activities you and I took for granted like watching endless hours of THE BRADY BUNCH while your alcoholic mother slips into a ‘Pink Lady’ induced coma are long gone. Now instead of the joy you received from scraping your semi-conscious mother off the floor and walking her around the room so she wouldn’t swallow her tongue, parents must suffice with ‘kid-centric’ necessities such as Tae Kwon Doe, Mandarin Chinese, and electric guitar lessons. It appears that in order for my son to compete in the new, globalized world, bitch needs to be a member of a hipster garage band that sings in Chinese while Kung Fu fighting. I’m sorry, but that shit is just too exhausting.
Lo and behold, while taking my son Ethan to the allergist and finding out that the poor kid is allergic to just about EVERYTHING, my after-school, quality time quotient with my son was decided for me. There would be no time for electric guitar lessons or Mandarin Chinese (Thank God) as Ethan and I would be spending three, fun-filled days a week bonding over allergy shots! My afternoons wouldn’t be spent getting my ‘Pink Lady’ buzz on like my woefully tuned-out mother, but instead would be spent shuttling a terrified, needle-phobic 8-year-old through the traffic-clogged streets of LA.
Today, while navigating my battered Prius through the cavernous pot-holes of SMELL-A, my son Ethan sat in the rear seat of my car with a worried expression on his face. The way he wrung his hands and talked to himself, you’d think he was mentally prepping himself for a job interview. He probed me endlessly about the size of the needle, the consistency of the solution, and finally, what if any, side effects he can expect. (That boy has been watching way too much HOUSE on Netflix!)
After Ethan received his shot and bravely stifled the tears threatening to course down his sweet face, I shuttered, for I know that someday he is going to complain to his incredibly empathetic shrink that the only real ‘quality time’ he spent with his father was battling hellacious LA traffic on the way to a painful injection. I can only hope that Ethan’s future shrink is an embittered, Kung-Fu fighting, Mandarin-speaking member of a garage band whose insane TIGERMOM is more fucked-up than me.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Adrienn Faklya, Tod Abrams. Tod Abrams said: Looking for a fun activity to do with your kids? Try allergy shots – it's a real shot-the-arm! http://j.mp/froZBN [...]