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If there are two activities I like to combine on lonely school nights it’s drinking and games. The loyal readers of this blog know all to well about my lethal affinity for combining Grey Goose Martinis and Candyland which often results in some spoiled child (usually me) reduced to tears and tantrums. In addition to my Candyland and Martini fixation, nothing gives me a greater thrill than drinking games involving delusional, over-the-hill personalities. Now, before you roll your eyes and think that this old queen is going to write some gushing treatise about Judy Garland Charades or Bette Midler Karaoke, I beg you to bear with me, for I have discovered a new drinking game that makes Beer Pong, The Circle of Death, and F**k the Dealer look like child’s play.
This new game is called, I MAY BE A FUCKED-UP PARENT, BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT DINA LOHAN. Now, before we get started, you must cleanse your mental palate by downing one shot of your favorite vodka, tequila or rum. For you fancy bitches, you can substitute hard liquor for a glass of red or white wine, although for what you must next endure, I recommend getting drunk as quickly as possible. Next, after you are properly cleansed, watch the following clip of Dina Lohan, mother of actress Lindsay Lohan, being interviewed by Matt Lauer on the TODAY show. (Skip to the 2:42 mark, as Matt and the rest of the TODAY crew think we give a rat’s ass about the expert opinion of paid publicists regarding Lindsay’s nutty behavior)
Now, if you really want to get into the spirit of the game, down another shot, adorn your head with a Farrah Fawcett wig from the 70′s and pencil-in your Botox-distorted eyebrows with a Sharpie. Not only are you on your way to being totally wasted, but are now ready to play “I MAY BE A FUCKED-UP PARENT, BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT DINA LOHAN.”
RULES:
#1. Each time Dina Lohan drunkenly uses the word ‘Hardball,’ take a shot. (Remember, normal laws of the road don’t apply to the Lohans, so enforcement of them is considered ‘Hardball’)
#2. Next each player must utter the phrase, “My child was placed in prison with alleged murderers and is now friends with them,” while smiling toothily. Players who don’t say this phrase PROUDLY and with gusto must take another drink.
#3. If you can’t remember EXACTLY how many times your child has been in re-hab you must take a drink.
#4. Like Dina, each player takes a turn shoving as many platitudes about their children into a 2 second description. Those players who use “genius, suma cum-laude, producer, actor, lacrosse player, or financial analyst” into their description are penalized and must take a drink for these descriptions are reserved for Dina’s stellar son Michael.
Last and most important…
#5 After all the hard liquor, wine, beer, rubbing alcohol or gasoline is consumed, the player who can repeat the phrase “I MAY BE A FUCKED-UP PARENT BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT DINA LOHAN” ten times without slurring his/her words, bursting out laughing, or dissolving into piteous tears of self-congratulation is considered the winner.
Trust me, GAME NIGHT will never be the same!
Todd
I am still reeling from your last post and the hurt and suffering you have endured from your spouse. Honestly girlfriend, how do you do it? How can you possibly continue to spoon with an insensitive lout like that who denies you your matrimonial birthright. I feel for you and am amazed at your empathy for what I consider an abusive situation. I just have two words for HIM: Patek Philippe. Be strong.
As for the Lohans, it’s riff-raff like that that makes me proud and happy that we live in the Duchy of New Joisey, with the likes of Snooki, the Sopranos and the Real Housewives of NJ to provide our fair citizens with some moral guidance. Honestly you should come back.
XOXOX
You are too kind – however I can assure you that he suffers WAY more than I do.