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Memorial Day 2010 Check List
Low-fat, low-carb, vegan style barbecue…check.
Adult-centric, kids-should-be-seen-and-not-heard pool party…check.
Kick-ass, mask the excruciating, married-with-children pain margaritas…check.
My 8-year-old son merrily exclaiming to his best buddy while dangerously splashing about in our child-unfriendly pool, “Hey Luca, I had a dream that you were having sex with a goat!”…check.
Wait. Stop. Back up and run that one by me again. ”Hey Luca, I dreamed you were having sex with a goat?” Where the fuck did that come from? I mean, as frank as I would like to think George and I are with our son, we only recently covered the basics of the ‘Birds and The Bees,’ and reasoned that we could cover bestiality somewhere between his Bar Mitzvah and SATs. When I asked Ethan to repeat himself, he began to vividly recount a dream that had his best friend enjoying a ‘special cuddle’ with a farm animal. I stopped him before he could elaborate, as my Master Cleanse wooziness had reached a crescendo, and my brain which had been for so long been deprived of calories just refused to compute this type of information.
I just didn’t get it. Why just that very morning, my son and I had been having a rather heated debate about Luke Skywalker’s ability to kick BEN 10′s ass in an ally fight, and now we’re discussing semi-consensual sex with livestock? While the children continued to frolic in the pool, I leaped up from my lounge chair, and darted into our seldom used library, that in addition to housing our for-decoration-only collection of antique books, also contains the few, pathetic child development books that I have never bothered reading. The first book I cracked was that dog shit WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOUR EXPECTING which covers boring, insignificant shit like diaper rash, colic and empathy. Nowhere, do those jerks talk about really important parenting stuff like breaking it to your child that you are terminating the cleaning lady so that your BIG BOY 8-year-old can finally assume his rightful position as in-house scullery maid/bartender. Who cares about childhood development or self-esteem when there are hardwood floors that need waxing and wet bars that needs stocking? After all, those VERY dry Martinis aren’t going to mix themselves, now are they?!
I became frustrated as I speed read through the WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOUR EXPECTING ‘D’ glossary, trying to find ANYTHING that addressed dream interpretation, but instead found more useless dribble about Developmental Appropriate Practice, Developmental Milestones, and Dyslexia. Clearly I was getting nowhere. As dramatic times call for dramatic measures, I decided to consult my go-to source for all childhood-related matters, The Psychic Friends Network.
(To Be Continued)
Sweetie Darling, you need to see Mommie Dearest, Oliver Twist & AbFab again so you can get some parenting tips if you are in doubt. XOXOXOX