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(Continued from NEEDLE EXCHANGE Pt. 3)
Wasn’t it Franklin D. Roosevelt that once said that all we have to fear was fear itself? In a robust speech to the nation, Roosevelt cheered America by pronouncing that in spite of the Great Depression, the dust bowl, and even those terrifyingly frumpy fashions of the 1930′s, we would eventually be alright if we did not give in to our collective fear. Roosevelt may have been a great orator, he may have also been a great president, but even Roosevelt would have run shrieking from the room were he to face my mother’s plastic surgeon, the grinning, needle wielding Dr. Yi.
After my mother force fed me a couple of Xanax, I was now serenely calm and sat in Dr. Yi’s operating theater smiling cheerfully at my son as the good doctor expertly placed gargantuan shots-of Botox, Restylane, and Juvaderm, into the yawning furrows of my forehead, cheeks, and chin. The pain from the injections was exquisite, and I cried and whimpered like a little girl. Deeply worried, my son Ethan held my hand tightly and kept murmuring into my ear that everything would be OK despite my unadulterated narcissism, insecurity, and low self-esteem. His concern for me appeared so honest, so insightful, so touching, that fresh tears sprung from my eyes. Unfortunately, due to the Botox, I couldn’t discern these fresh tears as I had lost all feeling in my eyes and cheeks.
Finally, the ‘needle work’ was over, and Dr. Yi handed me a small hand mirror. I glanced tentatively at my reflection in the mirror and nearly swooned, for even I could recognize true genius when I saw it. The unsightly lines, grooves and wrinkles of my face were now a dim memory. Dr. Yi had taken 10 years off my haggard face and I was overjoyed at the new and ‘refreshed’ me. I leaped off the table, took my son and mother into my arms, and while spinning them gaily around the room sang “I’m so pretty!” from WEST SIDE STORY at the top of my lungs. I felt younger, handsomer, and more invincible than I had in years! What better time to race Ethan over to our family doctor and get that horrible flu shot we’d been avoiding?
I should have known better, for every time my kid gets a needle, there’s a prick.
(To Be Continued)
Yi is associated with the Hanso foundation. You are so screwed now. Gulp.