 |
 |
 |
 |
I’ve always been somewhat leery of my powers of negotiation.
Don’t get me wrong, being descended from a disreputable clan of jewish money lenders and usurers certainly has it’s benefits. As a matter of fact, I am often asked by my gentile friends to accompany them to Sunday morning flea markets as I’m one of those annoying queens willing to mercilessly torture some elderly antigues dealer for a 25 cent discount on a Hummel figurine on their behalf. The vendor is invariably left in convulsive tears, my blue blood friends pocket their drastically discounted figurine, and while clapping me on the back loudly exclaim, ‘Boy, you people really know how to negotiate!” By ‘you people’ I’m not certain whether they mean gays or jews, but I seldom take offense as all my friends are borderline alcoholics and generously buy me round after round of industrial-strength ‘thank you’ Mimosas at Sunday brunch.
My son Ethan has inherited my uncanny abilities and unlike his dad who has chosen to use his classless, Jewish Ashkenazi inherited talents for the forces of good (the random, near-catatonic flea market dealer aside) my son Ethan has turned tragically to the dark side. Living with my son Ethan, who I’ve come to call Norma Rae, is like living with an irritable, over-worked-under-paid union agitator. It’s gotten to the point that every meal we make for him is entered into with the seriousness and intensity the UAW reserves for Ford or Chrysler. As an example, last night’s meal negotiation went something like this…
The following parties, Ethan Abrams (The Exalted Master) and Tod Abrams (Douchey Slave) agrees to enter into a contract for the formal consumption of dinner. Ethan Abrams (The Master) agrees to eat (organic only) steak for supper. However, if the steak is ‘perceived’ to be too rare by the master, master agrees to eat only the parts he deems as fully cooked and to his liking. If the steak in question is to be accompanied by a vegetable, (preferably broccoli) the vegetable (Steamed only, please!) in question must be slathered in pricey, imported Parmesan cheese. As for the meal’s starch, The Master prefers shoestring french fries, but will consider wild rice as a secondary option. In the event that shoestring french fries and wild rice are not available, master will consider macaroni and cheese as a satisfactory substitute. Under NO circumstances will the The Master agree to eat a baked potato as baked potatoes are ‘yucky’ and cause the master to fart uncontrollably.
Now, in the matter of desert……
(To Be Continued)
Recent Comments