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Dear George Clooney,
Like most of the middle-aged, cliched gay men I know, I subscribe to the lamentable notion that one can fight the ravages of time and retain one’s youth by a implementing a rigorous exercise regimen, consuming a tasteless, carb-free, vegan diet, imbibing thrice weekly colonics (I am completely full of shit – both literally and figuratively, so I need to be ‘flushed out’ at least 3 times each week) in addition to throwing ungodly sums of money at one’s plastic surgeon. More time, money and resources have been spent in my quest to stay young and desirable than are expended for most natural disasters in the third world. Yes, Haiti was leveled by a horrendous earthquake and thousands were killed, which is why you are bending over backwards to assist these poor, unfortunate people. However, as your next philanthropic project, I would like you to consider my wrinkly skin, deepening jowls, eye bags and ever expanding love handles as an impending natural disaster worthy of your consideration.
I realize that on first blush, you may think that my plastic surgery ‘needs’ aren’t as important as earthquake -ravaged Haiti, drowning polar bears, or even unemployed Detroit auto workers, but I can assure you this is not the case! I too have known true suffering. Last week, I actually had to wait a full 25 minutes at THE POLO LOUNGE because THE HILLS ‘star’ Audrina Partridge and her entourage of attention-starved reality show ‘actors’ showed up WITHOUT a reservation. My usual table was given to Audrina, and I found myself sitting at the bar like some wretched Encino housewife, who’s pathetic visit to THE POLO LOUNGE caps some valley-inspired, ‘ladies-who-lunch’ nightmare. When I was finally seated at some obscure table in the rear of the restaurant, I bitterly sipped my White Russian tragically unseen and unheard, as Audrina and her clique of pretty young things sat at MY table pecking at their food while downing pricey bottles of on-the-house Cristal Champagne. Despite my rage, I managed to choke down my filet mignon while glaring at Aurdrina who while sitting at MY table, was now alarmingly drunk and cackling loudly as if she hadn’t a care in the world!
George, from what I’ve read in such prestigious and pedigreed periodicals such as US WEEKLY, PEOPLE and HELLO! you are rumored to be a compassionate and generous man who understands the plight of the ‘common man.’ I ask, scratch that, BEG you to consider my woeful case. Please don’t allow me to lose another ‘A’ table to some cheap, reality show wannabe because of the subaqueous crevices in my face nor the rangy deposits of fat on my hips!
I look forward to our mutual association on this project and kindly ask that MY telethon be held on the weekend of the 30th as I’m leaving for Zurich on February 1st to have my bi-annual blood oxygenation and sheep’s urine ‘cleanse.’
Cheers,
Tod
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